Center.

Letting God be where He belongs, treating people right, and the struggle of pretty girls.

In high school, I was usually talking to (at least) one girl at a time. And yes, I know I was an idiot in high school. When people would ask me to tell them about any given year, I would remember what had happened based on which girl I had a crush on at the time. From the start of my senior year until about 6 months ago, I was always in one of three states. Either I was pursuing a girl, I was with a girl, or I had just ended things with a girl, and frankly, for those two and a half years, I didn’t spend more than three or four weeks in the third state.

Human beings are made to be temples of the living God. The Jewish temple on which this idea is based had one central area where God literally dwelled. His holiness flowed from this inner sanctum out through each of the areas of the temple. We’re meant to be the same way, with Him dwelling in our hearts and flowing through all we do, but I don’t think it’s a bold claim to say we humans easily allow other things to occupy that same area.

I was unintentionally taught at a young age that I hurt people, that no one wanted me around, and that I was unloveable (If you want to know why, you can read more about it). As a result, I unintentionally told myself that I could disprove those things if I could just keep a girl happy, and for a long time, that led to me clinging to any girl who would talk to me and putting her straight at the center of my temple.

When I was in a relationship or even just a thing, the girl was what my life pointed towards. Even to this day, I don’t have a girl I’m committed too, but I’m realizing that I’m still trying to disprove those lies by impressing the people around me. I put on my best self when I’m with people, and when I’m not with them, I try to craft myself into a person who is impossible to not love. If I get praise as a result of that, it makes my day, but I’m starting to realize it may not be in a healthy way.

Fall semester of freshman year of college is a weird time for anyone who’s ever gone through it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely incredible, but it’s also incredibly hard. I remember literally panicking a number of times when I thought I would have to go eat in the cafeteria by myself. To spend a night alone was, in my mind, akin to social suicide and that terrified me. I needed the constant affirmation that people wanted to be around me, and if I didn’t get it, I would run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to find it.

God has given me a capacity to love people, just as He has given that capacity to everyone on this planet. However, He meant that love pouring out of me to be like a lighthouse shining His glory and directing those around me to look to Him. Love should be given for the sake of God and for the other person, not for my personal gain. However, it was and is so easy for me to take that love that God pours into me and twist it for my own purposes.

I wanted to disprove those lies I was taught, and I tried to do it by pouring out love to make people like me, but the whole purpose of God’s love was so that I would know the lies weren’t true. We as people can do a lot of good in the world, but only God can define our identity. It’s not healthy to essentially bet your self worth on another person’s happiness. With girls or with friends, that’s what I did, but no matter how great of a person I was, nobody would stay in a state of perpetual joy, or even want to be around me 100% of the time. That destroyed me.

This past week has been one full of affirmation for me. A random girl messaged me on Facebook after thinking I was cute when I gave her family a tour of Lipscomb. Someone said I look good in a suit on Yik Yak. It feels like I’ve made a ton of new friendships with some incredible people this semester. My routine is working really well for me, and I’m loving life. In the past, desperation was what pushed me to put other people at the center of my temple. This week I’ve had the same problem of needing to impress without the desperation that used to come with it.

I remember learning how to find the North Star when I was in Boy Scouts. Honestly, it’s an incredible phenomenon when you think about it. One of the brightest stars in the night sky just so happens to be positioned such that it’s always to the north. No matter where you are, all it takes is that one fixed point to navigate.

What I’m realizing is that God’s love is meant to be that fixed point for us. He has done so much for us, and surrounded us with reminders of His love. I think we all have something like an internal compasses which is supposed to point to Him, but it can get thrown off by so many things which surround us. If we spend all our time chasing everything from affirmation to relationships, we’ll never get anywhere. For me, those things are usually what other people think. It’s not easy to center myself on Him, but the point is that I have to try.

I guess the starting point is changing how I see myself and other people. For a long time, I thought I was someone that other people would have to lower themselves to be around. They were doing me a favor just by hanging out with me. Frankly though, I’m a son of the one true King. If I have God in the center of my temple, then being around other people will naturally shine His light out of me to them. I’m a servant through whom He has decided to work. As such, I should view others as people to serve, not those who can affirm who I am. It’s humbling, but so is being a human being as flawed as I am with the one true God residing at my center.

Like this:

Like Loading…

Originally published at theforlornemoose.wordpress.com on October 14, 2016.