How Long Oh Lord, Must Your People Wait?
More importantly, how long am I gonna be stuck waiting here?
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1 How long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?Psalm 13:1–2
If you know me at all,
you probably have realized I’m a pretty busy guy. I have a to-do list that stretches a mile and a Google calendar so full it’ll give most people an anxiety attack.
I say that not to brag though. You see, the reason I tend to be so busy is because I feel like I’ve been given a lot. That means I need to pour out of myself.
God laid it on my heart that He wants to do something special at my University this year. I’ve tried to fill my schedule with things that advance that purpose.
Every semester this week,
I had at least one major thing to worry about, whether that was a major event to plan or responsibility to fulfill. On top of that, I made a point to actually spend time with people. While that was a good thing, it took up a lot of time.
Frankly I worked myself bone dry to get it all done, and yet things still slipped through the cracks. I couldn’t do it all, and on top of that I ended up feeling empty.
I tried to work for the Kingdom of God in all I did. This may not be the best thought, but I honestly thought God would provide me the rest and energy I needed to do everything I thought He wanted me too.
That rest didn’t come.
Last week, I went to watch the sunrise on Tuesday morning at 5am. I was in meetings until 11pm and came out feeling broken. I knew that in seven hours I’d be leading a small group that meets at 6:30am. I pride myself on being able to accomplish more than most people, but this time around, I realized I couldn’t do it.
I was exhausted,
mentally and physically. That night, I went on an hour long walk to mentally yell at God. I got back to my room, and wrote this;
The name Israel literally means, ‘Wrestles with God.” If I had to describe my current walk with Him in a biblical story, I would pick that of Jacob wrestling the angel of the Lord. An author I love made the point that Jacob wrestled with God because he loved God. To love is to hold on, and sometimes that holding looks more like a headlock than a hug.
Yet if I had to describe my life precisely, it feels more like I’m in a bare-knuckled brawl with the world and the forces opposed to the good in it. God is the ref, and I’m getting my teeth kicked in. The blows are coming below the belt; at each of my worst insecurities, and I keep looking to God to blow the whistle and stop the round. Yet, the punches keep coming.
I yelled at God for an hour,
but the punches didn’t stop there. I had a full on breakdown Wednesday afternoon, and spent over an hour bawling my eyes out in my counselor’s office. It was the first two verses of Psalm 13 to a tee.
This whole thing had been building up for a while. The week before last had been discouraging and stressful. I had tried to do good, but I felt blocked at every turn by my insecurities or other people. Worse than that, I didn’t feel or see God with me through it.
Thursday and Friday of last week
felt like I was stumbling through fog, but on Saturday I took a true Sabbath. I didn’t set an alarm, I got lunch with one friend who’s presence is restful to me, and then spent the rest of the day either praying or playing video games.
Here’s the crazy part; on Saturday, I didn’t feel like I connected with God much. Prayer was still difficult, and I came away from it unsatisfied. Again, I sought God and it felt like I hadn’t found Him.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
Then, Sunday came.
Psalm 13 begins with “How long, Oh Lord?”, but it ends like this.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
I saw the hands of Jesus all over my life this past Sunday. I went to three church services, and each sermon seemed to address my situation in a different way. People told me they were praying for me, and I’ve felt surrounded by community.
I honestly don’t know why things changed so quickly, but I know it wasn’t just me taking a day of rest. God was at work in my heart and my mind, and today I feel at home in Him.
I have seen that the Lord is good.
I went from longing for God to knowing His goodness in the space of like four days. That’s an incredible blessing. At other times in my life, the space between “How long, oh Lord” and “He has been good to me” has lasted more like a week, or a month, or a year.
That’s the thing with God. Life isn’t easy, even a life lived completely for God, and yet, with God we have a promise that He will be good to us. That may not happen in it’s fullness today, or tomorrow, or next week, but we have been promised that it will.
