Wide.
I can’t wait for school to end this year.
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A while back, I helped clean up a section of road across from a city recycling compound. The woman who ran the project was absolutely awesome and hilarious, and it made the otherwise menial work fun.
In my time there, I got to know her a little. Based on the way she talked, her two biggest concerns in the world were getting the road cleaned and the recycling done. The scope of her life focused on maybe 10,000 feet of land.
From where I’m standing,
the world looks wide open. I honestly want to see change for the better, and I genuinely think it’s possible to effect that change.
I’m surrounded by those to whom much has been given. On an emotional-spiritual level, they have a full sense of their identity and a strong faith. On a material level, they are among the one percent of the world with the wealth and opportunity to get a college degree.
I’m also surrounded by people who have a wide enough view of our world that they desire to serve it.
Their view of success extends beyond themselves and into the lives of those in need.
My best friend wants to create a clinic that serves those who can’t afford insurance. I know people who spend every afternoon (and often nights, and some weekends too) pouring their heart and soul into children with parents that can’t. A lot of my friends want to create businesses that reinvest a part of their profits into the development of the communities they’re a part of.
I recently read a book that details the life of a couple.
After sixteen years of marriage, the wife finds a phone full of texts to another woman that no husband should be sending. Their marriage, and by extension, their family, falls apart.
Just before the divorce, the husband tries to justify his “good enough” life. He has a house, three great kids, a wife (although not for long), and a stable job to support the whole thing. Ironically, it was the “good enough” that caused his life to fall apart.
On a very deep level,
I have a huge fear of rejection. Not just in terms of dating, but in terms of people. For a long time, I assumed everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around, and that they didn’t want me around them in the first place.
I’ve heard the same piece of advice about college since I was a kid; “Lorne, make sure you get to know your professors.” I know relationships with professors are a huge deal, and I’ve tried to make them a priority.
This probably sounds silly, but I genuinely have a fear that they just won’t like me. Oftentimes, that makes me avoid those relationships because I would rather not try than fail.
Right after his divorce,
the husband in the book told a friend he hadn’t felt alive since he was sixteen. One night that year, he snuck into a zoo and jumped down into the lion’s pit. The instant his toes touched the ground he heard a growl, so he turned to jump back out.
His fingers slipped from the railing on the first jump, and didn’t even touch it on the second. It was only the third that he managed to crawl out with the lion clawing at his heels. In that moment, he felt alive.
I think if he had jumped in with the lion again at 20, 25, and 30, his marriage wouldn’t have fallen apart. The husband was a writer, but he never sent his masterwork to the publisher for fear of rejection. After his wife found the phone, he couldn’t bring himself to engage with her to potentially fix their marriage.
His life fell apart because he couldn’t stomach the risk of failure that came along with truly living,
and so instead chose to retreat into the safety of “good enough”. On top of that, the comfortability of his life kept him from realizing the problems he was slowly sinking into.
To achieve the goals I have for the future,
I will have to take much bigger risks than stepping into a professor’s office to talk about life. I can’t allow fear or distractions to keep me from those pursuits.
The gifts, talents, and passions I have are meant to be used to see the Kingdom of God come on this earth, and to see others come to know God and join His Kingdom. The same goes for those in school with me.
However, all of us run the risk of settling for the good, even as we have these incredible goals in our mind. The comfortability of the world lulls people into a life like sleepwalking, and the fear of failure can cut short our aspirations.
I can’t wait for school to end this year.
Not because it means I won’t have schoolwork. Not because it means I’ll have a car, and certainly not because it means some of my best friends are graduating.
This summer is going to be the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to adult life. I’m renting a house with my closest friends, and I’ll have a job but honestly it may be hard to make ends meet. It’s kind of intimidating, but that’s why I can’t wait for school to end this year.
The challenge of it puts me in the habit of living in risk and discomfort, and that’s essential if I’m going to live for those dreams I have. More than that, the moments of adjusting to this summer will jar me from the comfortability of this semester and draw my eyes to the goals I have.
